"Performative final boss"

no, you are not Jacob Elordi

The term performative is used to describe behavior that does not stem from inner conviction or genuine self-expression, but from the desire to be liked and socially accepted. In the case of the performative man, it refers to a man who adopts certain habits, opinions, or aesthetic choices not because they truly reflect who he is, but because he believes they will make him more appealing—especially to women.

So the real question is not only what performative means, but why a man would seek this kind of attention and what he hopes to gain from it.

If we go back to the beginning, labeling someone as performative is essentially a way of mocking the excessive effort they put into appearing “right,” “progressive,” or “different.” The term originated and spread mainly through social media—particularly TikTok, a platform with enormous influence on today’s generation. TikTok doesn’t just reflect social trends; it amplifies them, often reducing complex behaviors into easily recognizable stereotypes.

According to this online narrative, a performative man is one who tries excessively hard to distance himself from traditional masculinity. He showcases a carefully curated sensitivity: he wears wired headphones, drinks matcha instead of coffee, reads poetry or books conspicuously in public, listens to “niche” or overly curated music—often with Mitski as his top Spotify artist—and, most importantly, presents himself as a strong supporter of women’s rights. He becomes the “ideal” man, one with no trace of toxic masculinity running through his veins.

But the core question remains: why would a man feel pressured to pretend in order to be appealing to a woman?

The answer lies in the confusion surrounding modern masculinity. Traditional masculinity has—rightfully—been heavily criticized, yet it has not been replaced with a clear, stable, and realistic alternative. Many men, afraid of being labeled “toxic,” “outdated,” or “dangerous,” resort to copying behaviors they believe are socially safe and widely approved. Instead of genuinely developing empathy or emotional intelligence, they perform them.

What do they gain from this? In the short term, validation, acceptance, and the reassurance that they belong to the “right” side. In the long term, however, the cost is authenticity. When sensitivity becomes a tool rather than a way of being, it loses its substance. And when someone pretends in order to be loved, they never leave room to be loved for who they truly are.

So the issue is not that a man drinks matcha, reads poetry, or supports women’s rights. The issue is when these traits are not personal choices but calculated strategies. Not expressions of identity, but performances. And no performance can last forever without eventually collapsing.

Let’s examine, step by step, where this desire comes from.

Modern men seem to be operating within a state of double uncertainty. On one hand, the traditional model of masculinity—silent, dominant, emotionally restrained—is increasingly being questioned and dismantled. On the other, men are now encouraged to show sensitivity, emotional openness, and empathy. However, instead of these traits being developed in an authentic and internal way, some men adopt them superficially, treating them as roles to perform in order to meet social and romantic expectations.

By analyzing the phenomenon more deeply, we come to the conclusion that R. W. Connell’s theory of hegemonic masculinity provides answers to the questions previously raised. What do we mean by this? You may reasonably ask as a reader. Until recently, male identity was directly associated with notions of power and conquest. However, within today’s social framework, we observe that this deeply patriarchal construct is gradually being dismantled. On the contrary, in the contemporary era, the hegemonic ideal undergoes a complete transformation, overturning the stereotypes of the past. Thus, the hegemonic ideal is now presented as a man who is emotionally articulate and expressive.

Having clarified this phenomenon, I believe that the answer to the earlier questions becomes increasingly predictable. The fear of rejection, combined with the desire for control, can often lead to a crisis of identity. The need people—and men in particular—feel to perform a progressive persona by assuming a role rather than embodying genuine change clearly demonstrates a reluctance toward inner reflection and self-improvement. After all, it seems preferable to pretend in order to avoid being labeled as “toxic,” rather than confront the raw and uncomfortable truth of reality—isn’t that so?

Speaking of the essential core of these issues, I would like to position myself more directly on the matter and reflect together on the ultimate meaning of human relationships, when they are built upon artificial and self-serving personas.

We all know that relationships built on false beliefs and performative behaviors tend to crumble at the first sign of trouble—like those expensive silverware sets at your grandmother’s house, shattered into a thousand pieces when you were playing ball in the living room.

All of us, regardless of gender, have at some point broken something at our grandmother’s house—and in much the same way, we’ve put on a persona to be liked by a partner. In doing so, the very essence of human connection is lost, as intimacy is no longer grounded in truth, but in an image we carefully present.

Partners find themselves unable to reveal their true selves, to express their thoughts honestly, because doing so requires the uncomfortable—some might even say painful—exposure of emotions, along with the inevitable risk, conflict, and truth that come with it. The fear of showing who we really are becomes the first necessary brick in the shaky foundation of what should have been genuine connection.

If love requires being seen, then the question remains: love is to be seen—but are we ready to be loved as we truly are, without filters, without roles, without guarantees?

P.S: I love Jacob Elordi… honestly , the perfomative man of my dreams.